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PNS349 Noah Fakes Analphylactic Shock (again)

PNS 349 -- Hello. Is this 4215 Pussy Way? I’m Kathleen Turner. Now let me check the zip code. Two-one-two-fuck-you? I think this summer’s gonna be off the hook. If no one has to poop at the Jewel during Pride and Pat can keep his illnesses at bay and his jungle fever under control, then you can bet it’ll be off the hizzy! If a hand job isn’t going to get you across the line, it’s time to rack it up a notch and get yourself some Full-Blown Anal, now available in freshmint, hazelnut and craisin. Yummers! A call from the nation’s crapital to the nation’s number one source for podiatry information: what to do about a broken toe? Do what a drag queen does when she has to tuck: tape it up! Don’t forget to pack your travel douche. Check out the new PNS vidjoes on the YouTube, and watch for more on the way this summer with everyone in them, schedules permitting. Maybe there’s a small role for me. You know I’m not working. Which One Note Sally is more irritating: Amy Adams or Kristin Chenoweth? Noah fakes anaphylactic shock just for the free epinephrine and the ride home in the ambulance. He’s a smart boy. This weather is bullshit. I’m gonna make a brand new start of it in old Den-ver. And if you could make it there, you really could make it anywhere. Do you think I could make it there? I used to be box-office gold but then there was that whole V.I. Warshawski thing and now small children point at my face in the street, and not in a good way. Speaking of moon-faced ladies hauling themselves out of a swamp of failure, what’s Cybill Shepherd up to? Sittin’ around still seething about Bruce Willis’ and Christine Baranski’s talent. Ooh -- 3-D porn! Does it make Full-Blown Anal any look prettier? More anal-y? Another call, this time from Florida. A woman comes into the store and uses testers to put all her make-up on. Christ! I’ve been there, you know. What did you buy on cassingle? Pat says he isn’t a music person. Rob had an Anita Baker single. Noah bought Tiffany’s “I Think We’re Alone Now.” I owned that one, too, but it was a vinyl 45 and sung by Tommy James & the Shondells. A big Highway to Heaven finish. I’ve had so much fun. If you need a larger lady with a beejer voice, give my agent a call. Please.

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PNS350

PNS 350 show notes -- Ay Dios mio! Welcome to the Hotel Carradine. I am your maid, Concepcion. Ay, another auto-erotic asphyxiation! If that’s what chew want to call it. I call it chust another mess to clean up. Too soon? Why don’t chew come and help me, si? Chew wanna? The Octom-Mom, she wants 8 more babies, and the John and Kate want 8 more inches. Go figure! Direct from Your Number One Source for Farrah Fawcett News: she’s still alive. Please enjoy delicious Penguin Wine. It gives you the instant hangover, and also removes the nail polish. Hey, DJ Douche, why you gotta play the music so loud? Is makin’ us all loco, si? Patrick, he try to make the video from the IML and some goddamn douche report him for having the gayporn in the background. You can suck, meester. Noah has a good idea for the video with the Heavenly Bodies. He make you laugh so hard. Ay! At the Tonys, Liza sounded like beef jerky. She won another Tony, which she’ll stick straight into Angela Lansbury’s cooter. She really gotta hit the casino circuit because announcing winners is not her thing. Did chew see that guy from Poison smack his nose into the set? Ay! He got pissed off because the Tony people didn’t issue a note of concern. That’s because he’s a joke and they don’t care. Don’t tell Pat to dare to dream. It’s just not gonna happen. Rob’s going to New York City to see some shows. Just booking the tickets will win Doug a Jeff award. Cameron Diaz is happy to stay childless. Good for her. Somewhere, there’s someone called Sydney Greenbush, and leetle Katie Holmes can’t wait to get dancing again. What the hell was Carrie Fisher wearing at the Tonys? Is shes on the Kelly Clarkson diet? I tell you: puffy. Chew know that 72-year-old woman that got taysed? She was ornery, but the guy that did it was a douche. Don’t tayse me, bra! I don’t need it! OK: the DVDs are on their way to chew, and chew can give the PNS boys constant diarahhae by dropping some loot into the PayPal account. Please call the comment on 206 888 GAYZ and leave chour message. See you real soon at the Hotel David Carraindine. Such a lovely place. Wear your Spanks!

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PNS348 Lisa Rinna's downstair lips

PNS 348 -- Hey, y’all! My gorgeous hubby borrowed the forklift from work and unwedged me out of our trailer for the day. I’m so fucking happy! Praise Jesus. Noah’s trailer – I mean, apartment, doesn’t smell like grandma’s gyne. He’s making eggplant dip. Fancy! He’ll need a ton of mayo and some Cheetos with that. Does AZT make your hair fall out like chemo? Or just Tom Hanks’ in Phila. Delphia. Maybe it was the stress of having that Speedy Paella Gonzales boyfriend. Check out the superstar powerhouse of talent on “I’m A Celebrity, Get Outta My Groin”: Lou Diamond Phillips, Frangela, Torrie Wilson, John Salley, Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt, Stephen Baldwin, Janice Dickinson and Sanjaya. Oh – and Patti Blagojevich. Never let Janice off the island. Please. Watch Pat’s video at IML and Pat and Rob’s new trailer trashing videos on the PNSexplosion site on YouTube. They’re real funny. Noah saw people having full-blown anal at IML. Was it Rob? Was it Eric? Hmmm? While those guys were having 4-D sex, Pat was getting some 3-D porn from Emerson. Praise the lord! Melissa Joan Hart is one hoagy away from being the PNS’ biggest listener. The crazy lady in the street just yells ’80s movie titles but they all sound like “Fletch.” Google Dr Ruth. She’s an a-borscht-ionist. I kill myself. There’s a fine line between men with beer guts in chaps and your average Renaissance fairgoer. A little B&D, a little D&D. Get some poop bags for your next puppy play session. Kerb your boyfriend! Here come the stars of this week’s Irrelevant Pop Culture Moments™: Nia Vardalos’ dog, Kevin Bacon, Chace Crawford, Jerry Ferrara, Breckin Meyer, McG, Bill Murray, Bernie Mac, Zac Ephron, Lisa Rinna’s lips (upstairs and down) and Oprah. Update: Farrah Fawcett is still alive. What would be a good new passion for Oprah? Someone dropped Patrick an email about ending a 10-year relationship. Really? After 10 years you thought the PNSexplosion would be your best bet for advice? Just drop $6,000 into the PayPal account for the real answer. Yeah, dump him. Time to go. Noah has to make some more DVDs because he’s a single mom with not a lot of time. And do his hair. There are 78 new posts on Boomtacular. Go look at ‘em, y’all! Praise Jesus.
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PNS347

PNS 347 -- Hi - I’m Wilma, the cranky neighbor from the Magic Bullet infomercial. Geiger’s on the line, filled with the excitement that is another funzies show. So, what’s going on? Farrah’s still alive. There’s that. The Floor Mic™ is on and ready to record the v-v-v-vibrations of every spray shart. Are you Sunkist or Tang? Ooh – what I wouldn’t give for some juicy poontang right now. Cher’s downtown might be getting puffy. She needs a little extra fabric to cover it up these days. Someone poke Lady Gaga’s front butt, puh-lease. Pat’s summer jam is the recently discovered Beyoncé’s “Freakum Dress”, so watch out for a PNS video of that any day now. Axe the Gaywads: what age and nationality would your houseboy be? For some reason, the VAG girls pick up this question. They want housefraus who weigh 350. You know, skinny minnies. Aged between 40 and 80 who want to cuddle up and watch "Cold Case" just before bed at 8.30. Another question, this time from a straight guy: what kinda stuff do you do over the internet? Porn, obviously, and this. Pat needs a break from Facebook. All those damn lists of “5 things.” E-nuff, already. Update: Farrah, still not dead. Anyway, if your gonna do Facebook, pay attention so it’s easier for Pat to stalk you. In a caring way, of course. Memorial Day is the kick-off the gay high holidays. Noah’s birthday is the end of them, because the next day is always -10° with sideways rain. Pat’s off to IML (Update: he went and you can see the video of his adventures over on Boomtacular). Mmm, street food: corn dogs (prrrrrrp), deep-fried anything (double prrrrrrp). So, no one thinks they needed that third round of Jager shots at Sidetrack. Trust me: you never do. Question time: is Patti from “Millionaire Matchmaker” really a girl? The jury is still out on that one. Would you date a guy who wasn’t out? If they were rich and hot, yeah, sure. Otherwise, nuh. What’s your ultimate closety match? When you can’t reach your vag, wipe with the VagStik™ from the VAG Explosion, Miramax and Mennen. Pop it out of your purse and onto your puss. What’s the difference between a salad shooter and a salad spinner? Ask me. I’ll know, for sure. I’m gonna dance cussy’s on fire! This just in: Farrah’s still alive. Missy Eliott will be starring in “Ghost P--oossiiee,” the Aaliyah story. Big finish with that Journey song from “Glee.” Don’t stop your queefing. Did someone say muffins?
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PNS346 PNS Floor Mic® *by Mennon*

PNS 346 show notes by Queen Elizabeth II -- Good evening. Happy birthday, Cher. She’s 63. She doesn’t look a day over 62. So incredible, especially as she still has an umbilical cord attached to Chazzy. It must be all the Boniva. Tonight’s show is just like the olden days: just Patrick and Noah in the stujoe. Because there ain’t no party like a PNS party, it’s time to get Geiger on the line to add that sparkle that only a threesome can bring. Ding! In this week’s Irrelevant Pop Culture Moments™: “30 Rock”, something called “Community”, Joel McHale from “The Soup”, Alan Aldi, the Aldi in Ohama (it’s on Manawa Centre Drive in Council Bluffs, if you’re looking), the gay one on “American Idol”, Shawn Johnson on “Dancing with the Stars”, and Mary Lou Retton. If you don’t who or what any of these things are, fucking Google them, OK? Even I know how to do that. Did you watch the Farrah documentary? Me neither. I’ll just wait for her to drop something onto Twitter. As for Patrick Swayze, well, good luck and all. Who was the most feminine in “To Wong Foo”? The Columbian one, though he already looked like a pretty little lady. What’s Geiger Wearing? From the sounds of it, he’s just come from a hard shift on a pole at his local tittie bar. People are still watching “Grey’s Anatomy.” Really? Probably exactly the same people who are keeping “Desperate Housewives” alive. And why is Marcia Cross shilling Mott’s apple juice – does she need the money? Noah can be just as icy and just as bitchy, so give him a seven-figure cheque. He’ll clap the clapper. It’s Cannes time, so look out for the Palme d'Or going to “Just the Ten of Us: 2.” It’s genius. TV Talk: Just like poppers and over-designed, expensive underwear, “Glee” is just made for the gayz. Paula Abdul was on QVC shilling FYG. For Your Gyne? I’ll take two, although it’ll probably give me a nasty rash. There’s something very unsavory about “Moject Munway.” Maybe it’s just seeing Isaac Mizrahi’s facelift scars in HD. Quick question for the Axe the Gaywads: what do you do to put off coming? I think about Marcia Cross, Paula Abdul and Isaac Mizrahi selling me shit. Instant wet noodle. Who would be your pick for the next celebrity president? I don’t care. All blondes look the same to me. Seriously, PNS should win a Peabody Award for inventing the Floor Mic, which picks up every single fart. “Not So Fresh Air,” brought to you by Nacho Fresh. Liz out
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PNS345 Set your eardrums to stunned.

PNS 345 -- Encore! Ten bonus minutes of aural torture. Yes, it’s a speedy little shriekcast. Set your eardrums to stunned.

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PNS344 Yiffing Kirstie Alley

PNS 344 show notes -- Hullo. I’m Kelly McGillis. I’ve joined the VAG wymyn to talk about making love, wearing thick wool, eating carbs, and making our own moist, yoghurty Birchermüesli. This is an easy, breezy show, and beautifully lit. That must be Geiger’s influence. Let’s all go to Joy’s for pot stickers and Phuket noodles later, OK? Is Noah passive-aggressive or just distracted by all the business of getting this shit sammie recorded? Paula Abdul really needs to get herself some dignity to go with her Digesics. Pat forgets to fart right on top of the mic and Noah’s new home perm looks lovely in the light. From now on, the PNS isn’t going to make fun of anyone. Or swear. Or drink. How long do you think this will this last? A listener calls to ask about dating someone he’s got nothing in common with. Oh, honey, I did that for years until I saw the light and become a lesbian. Do you know what sweetbreads are? They’re not sweet or breads, that’s for sure. Pat needed to have a C-section to rip out his 10lb food baby. And suddenly the all-new clean-and-sober PNS is over. Someone else calls in about his friend getting some course credits but I couldn’t get the gist of it. At all. Some chat about the shitters at Sidetrack and the thrilling, sordid history of each of them. Carl, you know better. What begat what on VH1? A shitload of STDs, that’s for sure. One second the show is totally in-the-moment delicious and the next it’s awkward. You’ll hear why. Another tweeky couple of Axe the Gaywads questions: What kind of furry would you be? And who’s the fattest man you’d have sex with? Yiffing Kirstie Alley should cover both bases, I guess. Pat calls time on this show to ream the crew like a blanched lime for a bonus show. Coming right up!
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